Stop Being So Nice! Why Being "Nice" Is Getting in the Way of Your Relationships, Communication and Boundary Setting
When most of us think about what makes a good relationship—whether it’s personal, professional, or social—niceness often tops the list. After all, who doesn’t want to be kind, agreeable, and pleasant to be around? But here’s the catch: being “nice” can sometimes work against you, especially when it comes to setting boundaries, communicating clearly, and fostering authentic connections.
In fact, the pursuit of being universally liked can often create confusion, resentment, and unhealthy dynamics in your relationships. Let’s explore why being nice isn’t always the best strategy and what you can do instead to cultivate meaningful, balanced connections.
The Niceness Trap
We’ve all met someone who’s so nice that it’s hard to get a clear read on them. They avoid confrontation, say all the “right” things, and never seem to take a strong stance. While this may seem harmless, it can leave others feeling disconnected, unsure of where they stand, or even frustrated.
Imagine a coworker who always says yes to every project but never delivers clear feedback or outlines expectations. Their niceness may initially make them approachable, but over time, their lack of transparency can cause confusion, missed deadlines, or even resentment among teammates.
Similarly, in personal relationships, being overly nice can prevent meaningful connection. If you’re always accommodating others at the expense of your own needs, it becomes difficult for people to truly know or understand you. This can lead to one-sided relationships where you’re always giving and others are always taking.
Why Niceness Hinders Boundary Setting
Boundaries are about clarity—knowing your limits and communicating them effectively. Niceness, on the other hand, often blurs those lines. Here’s why:
Niceness Prioritizes Others’ Comfort Over Your Needs
When you’re overly focused on being nice, you may hesitate to say no or express discomfort, even when it’s necessary. This can lead to overcommitment, burnout, and frustration because your needs are constantly put on the back burner.Niceness Avoids Conflict at All Costs
Many people equate being nice with avoiding conflict, but this avoidance can cause long-term harm. For example, you might agree to something you don’t want to do just to keep the peace, only to feel resentment later. Avoiding minor conflicts now can lead to bigger issues down the road.Niceness Lacks Authenticity
Being nice often means saying what you think others want to hear, rather than what you truly feel or believe. This creates a surface-level connection that prevents deeper, more authentic relationships from forming.Niceness Confuses Others
When you’re overly nice, people may struggle to understand your boundaries because you haven’t made them clear. They may inadvertently cross your limits, not out of malice, but because they simply don’t know where those limits are.
How to Shift From Nice to Clear
Practice Assertive Communication
Assertiveness isn’t about being harsh; it’s about being clear and direct. Instead of saying, “It’s fine, I’ll do it,” try, “I can’t take that on right now, but here’s what I can do.” This approach is kind but also sets boundaries.Define Your Values
When you know what matters most to you, it’s easier to prioritize those values over being nice. For example, if your value is honesty, you might focus on clear, open communication rather than sugarcoating your feelings to avoid conflict.Start Small
Begin by setting boundaries in low-stakes situations. For instance, if a friend asks for a favor you’re not comfortable with, politely decline: “I’d love to help, but I’m not able to right now.” These small wins build confidence and momentum.
The Costs of Being “Too Nice”
In Relationships: Niceness without boundaries can lead to resentment and imbalance. If you’re always accommodating others but never expressing your own needs, you may feel unappreciated or taken advantage of.
In Communication: Over-niceness can dilute your message, leaving others unsure of your true thoughts or feelings. Clear communication is more valuable—and respected—than vague politeness.
In Boundary Setting: Niceness often leads to passive behaviour, which makes it harder to establish healthy limits. Over time, this can erode your sense of self-worth and lead to frustration.
If this resonates with you and you’re ready to dive deeper into the art of setting boundaries without sacrificing kindness, I encourage you to check out my book, Setting Boundaries: A Practical Book to Stop People-Pleasing, Release Guilt, and Avoid Burnout for a More Peaceful and Authentic Life.
Setting Boundaries the Book
In the book, I share actionable strategies to help you break free from the niceness trap, communicate with confidence, and set boundaries that align with your values and foster healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
I also go into how EFT Tapping and other practices can be used to help you with your boundary setting to make it easier and feel more natural.
Remember, being nice isn’t inherently bad—it’s when niceness becomes a substitute for clarity, honesty, and self-respect that it gets in the way. By shifting from “nice” to clear, you can create relationships built on mutual respect, understanding, and authenticity.
Blessings,
Michael Hetherington
